Entri 165 : The philomel

This entry was parked under my draft quite some time, I was having hard time to choose to write this in Malay or English. 

It is not because I am good in both language, in fact I am not good in both. Either one makes me tremble whenever I type the word, thinking whether is it proper, is it the right one? 

Honestly, there is no word to describe feeling. We I always use the word as metaphors to describe it and most of the time peoples get misunderstanding regardless what word we I chose. Plus typo all over the places, some small mistakes such missing important coma, but or pause can cause catastrophes. Such as we and I, since I was small I used the word kita to represent I but actually kita means we. Because of the misplaced 'kita' sometimes I get into troubles. I have to correct it every-time I accidentally use it - nope kita does not mean you and me but it means me -- but kita means we ... and there we go to the next argument. Trying to straighten me to use saya instead of kita .

Recently I have sleepless night, unstoppable tear which flowing without any emotion that I can sense of. Is that anxiety? It's weird honestly to sense that my body just did that. I mean like normally we cry when we choose to cry, like when we feel sad or happy or touched. But can we cry emotionless? Although this is not the first time, it still get me confuse every single time.  Like period that unstoppable every month!

It did happen and it's confusing. I couldn't  remember when the last time it happened.

A person said, 

our mind can forget but not our body.

I knew as always it's very hard for me to talk as there a lot of voices in my head try to talk, suggesting various of words to express the feeling. It's funny because I can talk to my heart non stop but all my words seem stuck at my throat especially in the crowd.

Lately I hate crowd, I never been comfortable in any of it although I do enjoy it sometimes. Maybe like a cigar break or do nothing day which I have done so much nothing lately.

I feel just want to run away and stay alone maybe in the cave. I always have imagination; setup a fire near cold cave, facing the lake and mountains with infinite view. I remembered when I small I used to draw a story about two siblings discovered a secret hole where they can hide from their parent in 30 pages book. I sold the book to my friend because she wanted it, with the price 20 cent! I am pretty sure that I sold it not because of money.

I wish I have that secret passage where I can run any time when I feel crowded or indescribable emotion. Maybe a secret hole that bring me to the loch with a lot of trees and mountain. And perhaps I can try to dip into the cold water. I wish.

However despite all despairs, it grew me. I become to understand ... not sure if that the correct word, I become to feel other more. One of my friend who act weirdly for almost one year just spilled out to me that her father passed away.Almost a year.

Almost a year I was keep puzzling why suddenly she become so cold.We saw each other everyday however I became invisible to her. That afternoon, out of blue she just say,

"oh, just to let you know that my dad passed away." over the lunch with a bitter smile. The lunch that I remembered; the first time we had together after a year she become mute. 

She did not entertain my shock even care to explain why or how. And I don't bother to ask more. Not because I don't care...

because deep in my heart, I think I understand how difficult to put it into the words. 

I knew it because I have tried before and I failed. I knew I failed because each time  I tried to talk , the tears flowing from my eyes and the word remains struggling in my heart. I prefer to keep it silent -- like the cold of the mountains, loch and the cave.

And the philomel just a beautiful coincidence. 

o51o2o2o